May be an image of 1 person

I want to clear up some popular misunderstandings about the Philadelphia Mummer’s Parade. (Those are mostly on Twitter, of course.)

The Mummer’s Parade is not just a parade. It is a central and critical component of the Philadelphia space-time vortex.

Every year, at the start of the year, in order to maintain Philadelphia’s ecosystem of magical power, there must be an infusion of Irish magic and Carnivale trickster mischief up through the central meridian of the city into the geographic center of the grid. This is essential!

If not, bad things happen. Like the collapse of the decorative parasol industry, which is the economic livelihood of several small villages in Tibet that are invisible to the outside world. They work all year to bless the parasols.

In addition, the dragons and kaiju that live under the ground of Philadelphia rely on an annual nutritional supplement of golden spray paint. They must have this as a sacrifice or else they get cranky. It’s like – their B vitamins.

The main source of this is, of course, the overage from Mummers spray-painting their white canvas sneakers gold, which you will see on the pavement around South Philly for the first three weeks of January every year (after that, it’s gone because the dragons have absorbed it.)

However, I think all that happened this year, so we should be good. If you see some weird golden paint on the sidewalks of South Philly this year, then make a pagan blessing, do however much of the Strut as you know, and thank your lucky stars.

And happy new year!